Eurovision is just around the corner!
Now, usually I wait until Eurovision Week to reveal my Top 5 songs, but this year there are so many hideous and hilarious entries that require urgent discussion before May 21. (And I need to force other people to watch them so they can share my pain).
So I'm going to start with counting down the Worst 5 songs in the competition.
Yeah sure, I hear you say, aren't ALL Eurovision entries bad, featuring cheesy lyrics, dodgy dancing and outlandish costumes?
Well, to bastardise Mr Orwell's phrase, all Eurovision songs are terrible, but some are more terrible than others.
Proof:
Look, I shouldn't pick on San Marino - it's a tiny country clearly trying very hard. BUT OH MY GOD MY EYES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ARRGH HELP.
Valentina Monetta's song was originally titled Facebook Uh Oh Oh, but that was deemed tantamount to advertising, so now it's The Social Network Song and it is STILL HORRIBLE. I mean, you may not have heard these lyrics:
Do you wanna be more than just a friend
Do you wanna play cyber sex again
If you wanna come to my house
Then click me with your mouse
Kill me now.
And we need to talk about that film clip. It's like a Facebook infomercial from the 90s, featuring backing singers who look like they escaped from an awful stock photo website. And the hair! The blingy cherub laptop! The ill-fitting clothes!
Also, if you want to be disturbed further, take a closer look at the images appearing in Valentina's thought bubbles.
I must admit, on first viewing I thought the Sammarinese were taking the piss with this entry. I mean, they had to be, right?
Unfortuantely I think they are deadly serious.
San Marino, nul points!
