Eurovision 2012: An Explanation

Well. I was wrong.

Again.

To be fair, the bookies’ favourite hasn’t run away with the contest since Alexander Rybak’s massive victory for Norway in 2009.

While she wasn’t one of my top 5, I’m not too disappointed by Loreen’s win – and it does give me an excellent reason for a Swedish jaunt in May next year.

However, I am devastated that none of my favourites did well.

I wasn’t really expecting Iceland to finish on top, but it didn’t deserve the same score as Jedward, for God’s sake.

And it was heartbreaking to see Norway and the UK filing the final two slots on the leader board when horrible dreck like Albania and Azerbaijan got points from everywhere.

At least Italy and Germany managed to scrape into the top 10 on the night.

So how do we explain the top 5?

#1 SWEDEN

Crazy dance moves and awesome staging helped make this one memorable. Also, the song has a very contemporary sound, and you can imagine it doing well in the charts alongside the likes of Rhianna and David Guetta. When have we thought that about a Eurovision winner before? And Sweden will throw an excellent Eurovision party next year…I’m seriously thinking about saving up for a ticket.

#2 RUSSIA

I’m glad the novelty song didn’t win, and judging by the crosses to the green room it looked like the Babushkis also couldn’t care less about the result. That, or they just really needed a nap. For coming in second place, they’ve also earned the dubious honour of a visit from Vladimir Putin to their tiny village in the remote Udmurtia province. Although the old dears might enjoy the sight of the sprightly young President, especially if he’s topless on a horse, as is his wont.

#3 SERBIA

Željko is Eurovision royalty, and this Balkan power ballad had a great draw late in the night, plus lots of friendly neighbours sending it votes. No surprises here.

#4 AZERBAIJAN

Seriously? The song lived up to its title When The Music Dies, and it seemed to be crying out “we can’t possibly afford to host this again next year”. We can only assume that old/drunk people across Europe got confused when they heard the name of the host nation screamed out a million times “Welcome to Az-Er-Bay-Jarn!” and thought that must’ve been who they meant to vote for. One Azerbaijan moment I did particularly enjoy was the bitchslap Anke, the brilliant host from Dusseldorf last year, delivered over the country’s human rights record when she read out Germany’s votes: “It's good to be able to vote and good to have a choice. Good luck on your journey, Azerbaijan. Europe is watching you.”

#5 ALBANIA

This was dire. I have no idea how it managed to score so many votes across Europe. Horrible screechy song, freaky sci-fi vampire costume, early draw position. The only possible explanation is that people were scared she was going to steal their souls if they didn’t vote for her. Awful.

So what have we learned from Eurovision 2012?

• The joke’s not as funny the second time around (ahem, Jedward: down to 19th from 8th)
• A weird outfit works wonders (cf. Albania, Sweden)
• Selling 150 million records and being personal friends with Elvis means nothing on the Eurovision stage (poor, poor Hump - not least because of the following image:)

See you in Sweden for more Euro-shenanigans next year.

Who knows, maybe I’ll finally make good on my threat and bring you the snark direct from Stockholm!

The Final Countdown

It's almost time to enter my traditional Eurovision media blackout zone.

Yes, I'll be spending tomorrow avoiding all radio, TV, internet and social media so I'm not spoiled about the winner before the delayed SBS telecast.

Sad, but true.

But first, some final thoughts.

I'm quite scared that these ladies might actually win:

Don't get me wrong, I think the grannies are incredibly cute, even if they do remind me of my mad Ciocia and her 15 cats.

But it's such a terrible song, and I don't think Russia deserves to host another contest so soon given the way they treated Eurovision's gay fans last time.

I sadly don't think my beloved Icelanders will take home the title, but I've got everything crossed that Italy can do enough to get over the line.

Now with the final running order locked down, there are a couple of other countries to watch who could do really well from their spots late in the draw.

Firstly, Serbia with another big Balkan ballad like the one which won them the contest back in 2007.

Also watch out for the madness of Moldova and Ireland scoring highly simply because they're on late in the night when everyone will be drunk.

I don't think the bookies' favourite, Sweden, is going to set the scoreboard on fire, and unfortunately I think The Hump is on too early in the night to do anything for the UK's chances.

Now all we can do is wait...see you back here for celebrations/angry ranting after the final.

But Seriously

Sure, Eurovision may be all fun and frivolity, but I can’t let this year’s contest go by without turning serious for a second.

It’s time to mention the elephant in the room: the fact that Azerbaijan is pretty much your stereotypical oppressive dictatorship with a seriously shoddy human rights record.

While most bloggers have been distracted by the sequins, some journalists and commentators have been trying to draw attention to the fact that a dark shadow hangs over Eurovision this year.

Of course, most of them have been throwing stones at President Ilham Aliyev’s regime from the comfort of their cosy newsrooms in the West – journalists in Azerbaijan itself haven’t been about to get their own stories out there.

According to Human Rights Watch, there are five journalists, one blogger, two human rights advocates and at least 10 opposition protesters currently locked up for political reasons.

And just on Thursday this week, police broke up an opposition rally in Baku and detained dozens of activists protesting against the Government.

Azeri authorities are doing everything they can to use Eurovision as a positive PR campaign for the country.

They’ve built a contest venue – the Baku Crystal Hall – from scratch in under 12 months, although that allegedly involved evicting scores of people who lived in the area.

They’ve also commissioned a new fleet of specially-designed London cabs to ferry visitors around Baku, and they’ve spared no expense in tourism promos and gifts to guests.

And to be fair, reports from those in Baku for Eurovision suggest that ordinary Azeris are delighted to have the world’s biggest singing competition in their country, and they’re doing their utmost to make people feel welcome.

However, that probably can’t be said for Aliyev’s regime.

But aside from the domestic dramas, Azerbaijan also occupies an interesting place internationally.

As I mentioned when I was discussing Norway’s entry, there are simmering tensions between the country and Iran, as well as a long-standing dispute with another neighbour, Armenia.

Both nations are locked in a battle over the Nagorno-Karabakh region, and in 2009 it was alleged that Azeris who voted for Armenia’s Eurovision entry were questioned by secret police and accused of being unpatriotic.

Needless to say, Armenia has refused to participate in Baku this year, citing “security concerns”.

But a controversial host nation isn’t a new phenomenon at Eurovision.

As Europe has expanded and more ex-Soviet states have graced the Eurovision stage, the spotlight has turned on the winning countries.

When Russia held the contest in 2009, there was a brutal crackdown on a gay pride parade through the streets of Moscow.

Ironic, really, when the campest show in the world was happening in a stadium nearby.

And just after Ruslana stormed home to victory in 2004, Ukraine was enveloped in the Orange Revolution and almost couldn’t get its act together to host the event in 2005.

It will be interesting to see what happens if Belarus ever takes home the crown, given that it shares a similarly shady human rights record with Azerbaijan.

But given their recent form, it doesn’t look like we’ll be heading to Minsk any time soon.

So I guess all I’m saying is that, while Eurovision is supposed to bring Europe together through song, it also does a pretty good job of shining a spotlight on some of the continent's less than savoury elements.

I'll be enjoying the show tomorrow night, while also sparing a thought for the people of Azerbaijan who may be suffering behind those dazzling Eurovision smiles.

#1 ITALY Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out of Love)

This is Italy’s second year back in the competition after a long sulky break, and I reckon they’re going to go one better on their second place finish in 2011.

Last year their fairly ordinary jazz number set the scoreboard on fire, so that’s why I'm sure Nina Zilli’s even sassier L’amore è femmina can take home the trophy in Baku:

Nina’s often described as an Italian Amy Winehouse, but I think she’s more like Gwen Stefani covering Adele.

It’s fun, funky and a little bit different from everything else in the competition.

Rome 2013, anyone?

#2 NORWAY Tooji - Stay

I love how you can always rely on the Scandinavians to keep the essence of Eurovision alive.

And Stay is pure Eurovision: an upbeat pop song with cool dance moves and an ethnic flavour.

Sweden did incredibly well last year with pretty boy singing a high-energy dance number, and I reckon Norway could repeat the same success:

Tooji is Iranian-Norwegian, which accounts for the hint of the exotic in Stay, and he's planning on wearing a "Free Iran" wristband during the show.

Of course, host nation Azerbaijan borders Iran and there's more than a hint of tension between the two countries, so I'm sure that particular message will go down well.

In fact, this week Iran withdrew its ambassador to Azerbaijan because clerics were outraged the country would be "hosting a gay parade during Eurovision", and in response Azeris held an anti-Iran protest in the middle of Baku.

Who says there's no politics at Eurovision?

What I love about artists like Tooji appearing at Eurovision is that they reflect the true multicultural nature of Europe, bringing their own musical traditions to their new nations.

It's also a massive up yours to the hate-fuelled, violent bigots - who I don't need to mention here - who want to tear down the inclusive societies that have been built around Europe.

Bravo Norway.

#3 GERMANY Roman Lob - Standing Still

This is a real dark horse in this year's contest.

I admit I thought Lena's victory with Satellite in 2010 was a bit of a fluke - I would never have thought we could be heading to Germany twice in three years.

To illustrate my point, may I remind you of the standard of German entries in years gone by:

However I'd be willing to bet that if you heard Roman Lob's Standing Still on the radio, you'd never guess it was a Eurovision song.

The Germans are now clearly in it to win it:

It's simple and contemporary - and a refreshing change from some of the more frantic entries surrounding it in the running order.

Standing Still is written by Brit jazz muso Jamie Cullum, and you'd have to imagine the UK camp must be a bit pissed that didn't decide to write his own nation's entry - Engelbert notwithstanding of course.

And at least we know the Germans can afford to host the event next year if they win.

#4 ICELAND Gréta Salóme and Jónsi - Never Forget

I have a confession to make.

This is my favourite song in this year's contest.

So why do I only have it listed as my number 4 pick?

Well, two reasons.

Firstly, Iceland still needs to qualify through tonight's semi-final, and so isn't assured of a place in Saturday night's final.

And secondly, we all know that my favourite songs never do well (poor France) so I don't want to jinx the marvellous Gréta and Jónsi.

Seriously, watch their video for Never Forget and you'll understand why I really hope we're going to Reykjavík next year:

I think this song has everything: two really strong singers, a dramatic opening, a stirring chorus and a violin (never underestimate the power of the fiddle at Eurovision).

Plus Icelandic people seem to be astonishingly pretty, so there's eye candy for everyone.

When I first listened to it, I thought there'd been a typo in the country name and this was actually Ireland's entry.

It sounds a lot like the excellent ballads they used to enter (the inestimable Brian Kennedy back in 2006) before they had a breakdown and started sending stupid rubbish like Dustin the turkey puppet and Jedward.

So fingers crossed this goes through tonight (it will be shown on Friday night on SBS) and gets a good draw in the final.  

Iceland, douze points!

#5 UNITED KINGDOM Engelbert Humperdinck - Love Will Set You Free

So it's time to count down my top five songs of this year's contest.

Now, you probably won’t recognise Engelbert Humperdinck (real name Arnold Dorsey) but he was evidently the Ron Burgundy of crooners back in the 70s and 80s:

No, he's not dead - he's very much alive and he's representing his homeland in Baku this year.

Sick of finishing at the bottom of the leader board, the UK seems to have given up on the idea of sending no-name acts selected through TV talent shows to Eurovision.

Instead, they’re trying to find acts with a recognisable name and fanbase in Europe.

Last year Blue gave it a red hot go, and this year Jason Donovan said he turned down the BBC’s offer to go to Baku, leaving the door open for The Hump with Love Will Set You Free:

It's certainly a gimmick-free performance: no outlandish dance moves, no glittery costumes, no wind machine - just an old man singing a simple song.

And I don't care if it's a bit boring, I think it's the UK's best entry since Katrina and the Waves took home the title back in 1997.

So come on, old dears of Europe. Remember this sexy beast?

Send a few points his way on Saturday night.

Hello Stockholm?

According to the bookies, we’ll be heading to Sweden for Eurovision next year.

Loreen’s anthemic club number Euphoria is currently at odds of 7/4 to take home the title in Baku.

She’s not in my top 5, but judge for yourself:

For my mind, it’s all a bit “Kate Bush goes to Ibiza”.

Yes, it’s a good track and she’s got a good voice, but once again I think the punters have missed the mark.

And if we learned anything from last year (poor France), it’s never trust a bookie.

Return of the Jedward

I’ve counted down the worst five songs in this year’s contest, and the best five are still to come next week, so now it’s time to consider some of the other notable entries for Baku 2012.

Remember these guys from last year?

Oh yes, Jedward are back.

And this week they’ve also told the Eurovision press pack that they want to represent Ireland EVERY YEAR from now on – at least until they win, presumably.

God help us.

Now, their song this year, Waterline, isn’t too bad – it’s bouncy and up-tempo in an inoffensively Eurovisiony way.

But why must they insist on reviving the ridiculous hair and camp-as-hell robot oufits for their second attempt?

I guess it could be worse.

Their alternative Eurovision look could be something like this:

PLEASE NOTE: that is an actual photo of the terrible twosome. I apologise profusely for giving you nightmares.

To cleanse your palate, here’s another former Eurovision entrant giving it another crack this year.

Željko Joksimović represented Serbia and Montenegro in 2004, with his gorgeous ballad Lane moje taking second place.

Since then, his nation has split in two, and he’ll be singing the eerily similar Nije ljubav stvar for Serbia in Baku.

Now, there are about 500 dreary Balkan ballads in this year’s contest, but this is the only one you have to worry about.

It’s not one of my favourites, but I predict Željko will be back at the top of the leader board in 2012.

Greek Tragedy

We need to talk about Greece.

Now, I’ve been one of the country’s biggest cheerleaders at past contests. Mainly because of this man:

There can never be enough Sakis, I think you’ll agree.

But this year I’m jumping ship, and it’s not just because of the startling lack of Sakis or Sakis lookalikes.

I know it’s deserting them in their hour of need, but I don’t care.

There is never an excuse for a film clip like this:

Look Greece, I know you’re broke, but did you really need to film your video IN A SHOPPING CENTRE?

Did you think the escalator in the background added a certain je ne sais quoi?

Or was it just because you could rope in the blokes working in the centre’s café as backing dancers?

So tacky.

Much like Eleftheria Eleftheriou’s dance moves, which are tending towards the gynaecological for a while there.

Aphrodisiac is an OK song, but I have the nagging feeling they’ve just mashed-up every other Greek entry from previous years in an effort to save some cash.

Eurovision: another victim of the Greek economy.

RIP.

From Russia With Lolz

Who would’ve thought Russia would develop a sense of humour?

Of course, previous Eurovision winner Dima Bilan’s haircut is hysterical – evidence:

But that’s not what I mean.

No, I’m talking about the fact that the voters of Mother Russia must have lightened up, given the fact that they are sending geriatric girl-band Buranovskiye Babushki to Baku this year.

I think the judges in the filmclip may be the exception from this collective mirth, given their excellent looks of dismay during the (admittedly baffling) performance of Party for Everybody:

All I can think about when I look at these ladies is my late Polish aunt, who we called Ciocia (which is, no surprise, Polish for aunt).

Ciocia had 15 cats and always wore a headscarf, and would yell “no touchink” at us if we dared move a muscle towards anything at her house.

It’s fair to say she was possessed of a general witchy vibe, which proved very unfortunate one day when she went to the butcher’s and asked for “two fat children”.

She meant “two fat chickens”, but I’m sure the butcher thought there was some sort of Hansel and Gretel situation happening in Moonah.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think there would have been a place for Ciocia at Eurovision.

No matter how hilarious that would have been.

Rock Me, (Rambo) Amadeus

This fine looking chap answers to the name Rambo Amadeus, so we must presume he’s a fan of both testosterone-fuelled 80s action movies and Austrian composers of the 18th Century.

He describes himself as a “World Mega Czar” and is a purveyor of “turbo-folk”, and will be representing the Balkan nation of Montenegro with his tune Euro Neuro.

And, to be perfectly honest he’s exactly the kind of guy who gives Eurovision a bad name.

Euro Neuro is basically just terrible Grade 9 poetry with an English-as-a-Second-Language twist, set to music:

I got no ambition

for high position

in the competition

with air condition

different mission different school

I got only one rule

always stay cool

like a swimming pool

I also feel like Eurovision is just an elaborate excuse for him to be able to hang out with sexy ladies and a donkey. Yes, that’s right – a donkey.

Maybe it’s a Balkan thing.

Austria, ihr nehmt die Pisse

While San Marino may be deadly serious about their horrendous entry, I think it’s quite clear that Austria is taking the piss.

For starters, they are represented by the delightfully-named Trackshittaz with their song Woki Mit Deim Popo, or Shake Your Ass.

Trackshittaz appears to consist of two blokes who look like regular visitors to the Hobart Magistrates Court and some strippers from the future. Voila:

The band describes its sound as “tractor gangster party rap”.

Well, there’s definitely rap, and this video is certainly sexist enough to be gangster. The glow-in-the-dark portion also gives it a party vibe – but I’m not sure where tractors fit in.

I don’t know what offends me more about the video: people cheering wildly at women’s fluorescent bums, the hairstyles or the chest-message reveal at the end. Ugh.

It’s like an amateur theatre group from Vienna decided to stage Underbelly: The Musical...in German.

Awful.

Eurovision 2012: It Begins

It's May, and you know what that means…

Eurovision is just around the corner!

Now, usually I wait until Eurovision Week to reveal my Top 5 songs, but this year there are so many hideous and hilarious entries that require urgent discussion before May 21. (And I need to force other people to watch them so they can share my pain).

So I'm going to start with counting down the Worst 5 songs in the competition.

Yeah sure, I hear you say, aren't ALL Eurovision entries bad, featuring cheesy lyrics, dodgy dancing and outlandish costumes?

Well, to bastardise Mr Orwell's phrase, all Eurovision songs are terrible, but some are more terrible than others.

Proof:

Look, I shouldn't pick on San Marino - it's a tiny country clearly trying very hard. BUT OH MY GOD MY EYES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ARRGH HELP.

Valentina Monetta's song was originally titled Facebook Uh Oh Oh, but that was deemed tantamount to advertising, so now it's The Social Network Song and it is STILL HORRIBLE. I mean, you may not have heard these lyrics:

Do you wanna be more than just a friend

Do you wanna play cyber sex again

If you wanna come to my house

Then click me with your mouse

Kill me now.

And we need to talk about that film clip. It's like a Facebook infomercial from the 90s, featuring backing singers who look like they escaped from an awful stock photo website. And the hair! The blingy cherub laptop! The ill-fitting clothes!

Also, if you want to be disturbed further, take a closer look at the images appearing in Valentina's thought bubbles.

I must admit, on first viewing I thought the Sammarinese were taking the piss with this entry. I mean, they had to be, right?

Unfortuantely I think they are deadly serious.

San Marino, nul points!