#2 IRELAND Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

Ireland, Eurovision’s most successful nation, has had a schizophrenic attitude to the contest in recent years.

They’ve deliberately not entered anything resembling their Celtic-tinged mega-ballads from the mid-1990s (perhaps RTÉ is still paying for hosting the contest three years in a row?), instead opting for an eclectic mix of cheesy pop, diva belters and electro dance. And Jedward. 

But this year, they’ve put everything they’ve ever entered into a blender, and the result is Heartbeat.

It’s a big belter of a number sung by a chick with a massive voice, it’s got a techno vibe plus a Celtic fiddle chucked in for good measure.

And somehow, it works. 

Well, I enjoy it anyway – plus I’m really hoping they keep the hilarious Irish dancers they used in the national final as part of the stage show...trust me, there is nothing funnier than grown men trying to Riverdance to a techno backing track.

#3 AUSTRIA Conchita Wurst – Rise Like a Phoenix

This entry pretty much sums up Eurovision: kooky, fabulous and an absolute belter.

If you listen to Rise Like a Phoenix first, before watching the film clip, you can hear that it sounds just like a 1960s Bond theme, sung by a Shirley Bassey-esque diva.

That's pretty much what it looks like too – except the diva has a beard.

Seriously, Conchita (the drag alter-ego of performer Tom Neuwirth) is great and I really hope she is embraced across Europe – though unfortunately homophobia has already started to surface.

Current bookies’ favourite, Aram Mp3 from Armenia, made some anti-gay "jokes" about Conchita in an interview (he's since apologised).

Petitions have also been circulated in Belarus and Russia, calling for the national broadcasters to boycott the contest because of her participation.

Screw them. If transgender superstar Dana International could carry off the Eurovision crown back in 1998, there's no reason why Conchita can't do the same in 2014.

#4 FRANCE Twin Twin – Moustache

I am always partial to a bit of French electronica, and this ironic number from a bunch of hipsters français is right up my street.

It sounds great in French, of course, but when you translate the lyrics it’s also pretty funny – telling the tale of a wanker who has everything he wants, apart from a moustache.

A sample:

I don’t care, I live on the top floor

I don’t even know my own cleaning lady!

My car is lined with leather

I like the smell of my perfume

Bonus points for the use of the great term “femme de ménage” (cleaning lady) which I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard since Grade 9 French.

#5 UK Molly – Children of the Universe

Yep, it's time to count down my top five songs for this year, starting somewhat unexpectedly with the UK:

I’ve listened to this one a few times now (yes I buy the Eurovision album each year and have it pumping in my car in the weeks proceeding the contest – what of it?) and it keeps growing on me.

I almost can’t believe it’s a UK entry, as it sounds so modern – which I guess is the whole point.

Molly has a great voice and provided this is staged well in Copenhagen (and she loses the faux-hippy bohemian princess rubbish from the video), the UK could be in for its best finish for some years.

Well anything would have to be better than the Bonnie Tyler abomination last year.

Best of the Rest

Before I get stuck into my top five, there are plenty of other entries out there that are worth a mention – and not just because they’re awful, like the ones I’ve already picked apart.

Sweden – Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Sweden’s currently running second in the betting with this belter of a ballad, and there’s a very real chance Eurovision could be back in Swedish hands twice in three years.

And it’s not too bad – if you don’t listen to the ESL-flavoured lyrics too closely, as Sanna implores her love to “undo my sad”.

 

Denmark – Basim – Cliché Love Song

Similarly, the host nation is making another case for back-to-back Danish wins, and Denmark’s currently third in the betting market.

Basim here is basically Denmark’s premier Bruno Mars impersonator, and his song includes references to Katy Perry, try-hard scat and the phrase “OMG” – but apart from that it’s not too hideous.

Malta – FireLight – Coming Home

Mumford and Sons must be huge in Malta, if this banjo-laced tribute number they're entering for Eurovision is any indication.

Despite the obvious rip-off, it's a pleasant song and could do well with voters looking for something gentler. 

Plus its World War I centenary theme and dedication to those who've never come home from war is a blatantly emotional grab for votes - and it may just work.

Romania – Paula Seling and Ovi – Miracle

If you’re a keen Eurovision fan, you may remember Romanians Paula and Ovi from their sensational duelling-pianos number Playing with Fire that finished third in Oslo in 2010.

Well, they’re back in Copenhagen – unfortunately with a song that’s just not as good.

So that’s it for the rest, stay tuned tomorrow on the blog for my best at Eurovision 2014.

Slay the Favourite

Armenia – Aram MP3 – Not Alone

This, inexplicably, is the bookies’ favourite to win Eurovision 2014.

And I’ve got no idea why.

It’s basically two songs smushed together: it starts out as rather bland ballad, and then suffers a dubstep breakdown about two-thirds of the way through.

The artist, pretentiously-monikered Aram MP3, is apparently one of Armenia’s favourite comedians – but he wasn’t particularly funny when he was making some homophobic remarks about Austria’s entry Conchita Wurst (more on her later).

Let’s hope the punters have it wrong this time.

From Russia With Love

Russia – Tomachevy Sisters – Shine 

So, pretend for a moment you’re Russia. 

After all the #SochiProblems and the Ukrainian havoc that's still unfolding, you don’t have much positive PR floating around Europe.

So how do you win over your neighbours and get them to send votes your way at Eurovision?

By sending a pair of sugary-sweet teenaged twins singing a saccharine song called Shine, of course!

Well, maybe not…these two represented Russia in Junior Eurovision back in 2006, and are basically just repeating the same schtick here. 

Nul points from me.

Danish Pastries

Latvia – Aarzemnieki – Cake to Bake 
Belarus – Teo – Cheesecake 

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on this year, but it seems like some countries have taken the fact that Denmark is known for its baked goods quite literally, and therefore decided to send songs about cake to Copenhagen.

First up, Latvia gives us the cloying Cake to Bake, which is just about as awful as the title suggests.

Then, we have Teo – “Belarus’ answer to Justin Timberlake” (his words, not mine) – who’s offering up some Cheesecake, with extra emphasis on the cheese.

Oh dear.

Och Polska!

Poland – Donatan and Cleo – My Słowianie (We Are Slavic)

Oh Poland! Why do you always do this to me?

Every year the patriotic part of me wants to cheer on the entry from my grandfather’s homeland, to wave the flag and witness a Polish victory.

And every year I am disappointed. 

Why? Because they always enter shit like this.

Alright, it could be worse (it could be Latvia’s effort), but that doesn’t mean it’s any good.

It’s basically some Eastern European rap aiming to poke fun at stereotypes of Slavic women, but unintentionally ends up being an excuse for a soft-porn film clip (at one stage there it had the most views on YouTube and was therefore skewing the betting – however it’s fair to say people weren’t watching the video for the music).

Poland is actually back in Eurovision in 2014 after a two-year hiatus, ostensibly because the national broadcaster was focusing on other priorities (read: they couldn’t afford it). 

Perhaps they should’ve taken more time out to have a good hard look at themselves.

And Poland, please know that I say that with love.

Eurovision 2014 Preview

Every year I like to count down my top five songs from the contest, as well as highlight some of the absolute dross that will make its way onto the Eurovision stage.

And this year it's even more exciting as I'll be seeing those hits and misses live in the flesh in a little over two weeks!

So stay tuned over the coming days for some of the shockers from this year's competition, followed by my favourites for 2014.

Enjoy!

Appreciating Danish Culture

This year Eurovision heads to Denmark, thanks to the vocal stylings of Emmelie de Forrest who brought home the (Danish) bacon in Malmö last year.

And in less than three weeks, I'll be there!

In anticipation, I've been giving myself a crash course in appreciating all things Danish.

1. Princess Mary

Ask any Australian what they know about Denmark, and one woman's name will pop up: Mary Donaldson of Taroona.

Today she's better known in her adopted land as Hendes Kongelige Højhed Kronprinsesse Mary af Danmark.

Yes, she's the lucky gal who went for a drink at a Sydney pub and ended up being the future monarch of a European country.

Full disclosure: whilst I was a journalist I had to spend a day on "Mary-watch". 

Pretending to be paparazzi doesn't come naturally to someone more used to reporting on school fairs and forest protests, so it was pretty weird and uncomfortable to be standing on a footpath in West Hobart stalking a woman who just wanted to enjoy a holiday with her family.

Needless to say I'm not planning on repeating the stake-out in Copenhagen... although Mary's Danish home does look pretty spectacular.

2. Lego

Did you know that the humble Lego brick is a Danish invention? 

Lego is based at Billund, a town in Southern Denmark whose economy is pretty much completely dependent on those small plastic blocks.

Billund is home to the first Legoland theme park, and the second-largest airport in Denmark - which was originally built by the company. 

And the term "lego" actually comes from the Danish phrase leg got, which means "play well".

3. Pastry

So, you know those tasty pastries with the fruit and the icing and the sticky sweetness that we call Danishes? They're not even Danish at all. 

In Denmark, they're actually called wienerbrød, or Vienna Bread, as they were originally introduced by Viennese bakers in Copenhagen in 1840.

But it doesn't really matter where they're from, the fact is they're still tasty and found everywhere in Denmark!

4. Amazing Television

If you haven't discovered Danish television yet, you're seriously missing out.

DR, the national broadcaster (who is also responsible for putting together this year's Eurovision spectacular), has been pumping some fantastic shows in recent years that have attracted worldwide attention. Not bad for programs broadcast in a language that less than 6 million people speak!

From moody detective drama The Killing, to scandi-noir thriller The Bridge and political drama Borgen, they're all top notch - and can be seen on SBS, or on DVD, in Australia.

In fact, one of the stars of Borgen - Pilou Asbaek, who plays spin doctor Kasper Juul - is one of the co-hosts for this year's Eurovision broadcast, and is sure to bring a little class to proceedings.