Well. What an emotional rollercoaster. After a day to process the result, I still don't think I'm over the heart-stopping plot twist that cruelly stole victory from our own Dami Im at the last second in favour of some tuneless political warbling from Ukraine. However, I think there's definitely a lot to take away from this year's Eurovision Song Contest - and if I'm honest, I'm not sure that things are moving in a great direction.
1. It's all about the politics
So, after years of me insisting it's all about the song, that assertion was blown right out of the water by Ukraine's victory. The late Sir Terry Wogan must be looking down and saying "I told you so". On absolutely no measure could anyone claim that Jamala had the best song in this year's contest. It was a dark, intense ballad with remarkably depressing lyrics and ear-splitting wailing - completely radio unfriendly and absolutely failing the sing-along test. For God's sake, it was about her family being murdered by Russians!
The only reason Ukraine won was the "fuck you Russia" factor. And look, I completely get it - my own great-grandparents were murdered by Russians (true fact!) so I have sympathy for the idea that Ukraine and its allies want to stand up to the Big Bear. But by having such a political winner - and make no mistake, it's the most political winner Eurovision's ever had - shifts the whole dynamic of the contest and renders the music pretty much invalid. It's a sad move, given that recent years the contest seemed to be moving towards recognising great contemporary songs as winners (e.g. Sweden's win last year).
2. Russia has a Europe problem
With Ukraine's win, the run-away favourite Russia was frozen out, finishing in third place. Russia had absolutely thrown the kitchen sink at this year's contest - Sergey's staging was ridiculously impressive, and even though the song was a bit naff, it would have been a perfectly understandable and respectable Eurovision winner. To illustrate, please see the conversation I had with my other half during the performance (he was watching at work):
After two years of close finishes - they came second last year with a much better song - Russia are going to have to take a step back and take a good hard look at themselves so they understand why they can't crack the top spot. Hopefully it doesn't involve tanks.
3. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have phones The contrast between the jury and televoting scores was particularly marked this year, given Sweden's new way of revealing the votes. The jury scores were pretty understandable and sensible, but as soon as the televotes started to come through the scoreboard just lost its mind.
Great party bangers got hardly any points, while dreary ballads sucked up the votes. Some countries did absolutely mad stuff - the UK and Ireland gave 12 points to Lithuania's poodle-permed Donny Montell, Switzerland really liked Serbia's depressing domestic violence ballad and bloody everyone voted for Poland's Weird Al lookalike - more on him below.
4. Poland's diaspora is ridiculous
Now while this may sound strange coming from a Polish passport holder, something has to be done about the absolutely unfair televote advantage Poland gets from its diaspora across Europe. There must be more Poles in every nation of Europe than there are in Poland itself, and they're all picking up their phones to vote for the Motherland in Eurovision.
Seriously, Poland can send any old shit and absolutely dominate the televote. I mean, Michal - a Charles II lookalike with a ridiculous song - finished third in the televoting, beating us! Thankfully the juries saw sense and he only finished 8th overall, but it was ludicrous to see him up there at the end in the voting reveal. Of course, if Poland had actually sent a good song (*ahem* Margaret) they would have won the whole shebang.
5. Australia was the real winner
Ok, this sounds like sour grapes, but I think it's pretty universally acknowledged that Dami Im was the real winner of the song contest. She absolutely dominated the jury vote, and her song is exactly what Måns was like last year - a radio-friendly, well-staged contemporary song performed by an engaging artist with a spectacular voice. In short, it wasn't your typical Eurovision song - it was actually good.
And that was backed up in the comments coming through on Twitter - even the UK viewers who probably enjoyed the schadenfreude of us losing at the last minute, were united on the point that Dami was the best singer of the contest. As someone put it "this is like when a professional turns up to the karaoke night".
All hail Queen Dami - she'll get some great European exposure out of this, and it's well-deserved. Of course, the bigger question is whether Australia will be back again next year. It's a bit unclear whether we'll get another invitation - and even if we did, whether we'd ever be able to win if Dami couldn't crack it this year.
6. Poor UK
So even though they threw loads of shade at us for not even being in Europe then coming over to dominate Eurovision, you had to feel sorry for the UK. They had a great song this year, performed by two extremely likeable young guys, and they actually seemed to be giving it a red hot go. They started the voting off pretty well, getting some well-deserved points from juries including 12 from Malta.
But then they only got 8 points in the televote, and ended up finishing in third last place. That was completely undeserved, and so it's no wonder they're going through a dark night of the Eurovision soul and questioning what is the point of competing at all. Can the UK ever win again? Unless they unleash Adele, the answer is probably no.
7. Sometimes we just want to have fun
Despite the depressing result, there were some bright spots in the darkness. Finishing in fourth place was Bulgaria with an upbeat dance number that was pure Eurovision fun: wacky costumes, native language element and insanely catchy chorus.
The delightful Amir from France also lived up to his pre-contest favouritism, coming sixth with his fun, uptempo number - giving the French their best finish in years. And cute-as-a-button Laura from Belgium also made it into the top 10 with her bouncy disco number - Australia loved it so much, both the jury and the public gave it douze points. These results at least prove that there's still some element of the crazy Euro dance party still alive in Eurovision, and long may it reign.
8. The US will never understand Eurovision
Amazingly, this was the first year ever that Eurovision had been broadcast in the US. While there's a small but dedicated fanbase for the contest over there, Eurovision fandom has been nowhere near as widespread as in other non-European countries like Australia.
To help celebrate this milestone, and the Swedish songwriter stranglehold on US pop music, they invited Justin Timberlake to perform as the interval act. Between his blatant promotion of his latest cartoon film and clueless pronunciation of Eur-O-vision, it wasn't an out-an-out success. Indeed, Petra and Måns absolutely blew him out of the water with their own interval performance. Will the US ever 'get' Eurovision? Not on this evidence.
9. Sweden should host every year I've already waxed lyrical about Petra and Måns, but it really can't be said enough. They were absolutely everything Eurovision hosts should be: fun, funny and professional. Petra was also epically sassy to all the national spokespeople while they were reading out their points, which was a delight. Sweden also showed they were not above making fun of themselves, or the contest, with a series of funny spoof docos about how Swedes came to dominate pop music and that fantastic Semi Final 2 broadway-style opening number. But it was this amazing Grand Final interval performance from Petra and Måns which was the undoubted highlight of Eurovision 2016. A sly yet affectionate look at the contest itself, it sums up all the best bits of Eurovision and should be required viewing for every fan:
10. We don't know where we're going Where to from here for Eurovision? Given such a blatantly political outcome, it's going to become increasingly hard for the EBU to deny that politics plays no part in the contest and they're going to have to work hard to put the focus back on the music. One thing's for sure: the traditionally-strong Scandinavian countries will have to pull their socks up next year - none of them made it to the Grand Final, apart from host nation Sweden who was already guaranteed a place. Ukraine hosting in 2017 is also somewhat of a concern, given the instability that still exists, particularly in the country's west. They only just managed to host back in 2005 after they first won the contest - with the president stepping in to pull it together at the last minute after Sweden was put on standby to takeover hosting duties. And Russia is also already threatening a boycott next year due to the results - if they follow through, it will be interesting to see if anyone else joins in. So it will be interesting to see how next year's contest shapes up. One thing I'm sure about is that 2016 will go down as something of a turning point in the contest's history.
Apologies for the radio silence on the blog about this year’s contest.
I’ve been somewhat distracted by other things, but I’ll give it my best
shot to take a closer look at Eurovision 2016 before tomorrow morning’s
final.
Australia
First things first – what’s our entry like? Well, it’s actually pretty
good – that’s why we're currently second favourites according to the
bookies. Dami Im has gone into full-blown diva-mode for power-ballad The
Sound of Silence, and it’s a showstopping number that’s sure to attract
votes. Win it win? Maybe, maybe not – but it’ll definitely give us another good
finish. And we should probably also remember that if we did win, there’d be plenty of disgruntled people across Europe who don’t even think we should be there in the
first place.
I also want to highlight the absolutely inspired madness of Australia’s jury panel this year. It features not only Monica from Playschool,
former Spick and Specks panellist Myf Warhurst and former Idol host
James Mathison, but also…Shannon Noll! Incredible. Also, Lee Lin Chin is
back as our spokesperson, which is just as it should be. Douze points
SBS!
The Favourites
So if Dami doesn’t win, who will? All the betting money is currently on
Russia, who have absolutely thrown the kitchen sink at their entry this
year after finishing second in 2015. They’re faithfully following
Sweden’s recipe for success from last year: a handsome national
superstar (Sergey Lazarev), an upbeat pop number and mind-boggling
special effects. But in reality it all comes across as a bit desperate –
we’ll see what viewers across Europe think.
Currently sitting at number three in the betting is Ukraine. This is a
controversial one – Jamala is singing an intense ballad about how her
Crimean Tatar family was deported by Stalin in 1944. Cheery stuff. Now, I
get the fact that people really want to see an epic showdown between
Russia and Ukraine given all the recent political upheaval, but
unfortunately this song is just a depressing dirge – and despite rave
reports from the press room in Stockholm, I don’t see how pissed voters
at parties across Europe will be sending it their 12 points.
Dark Horses
In a complete turn up for the books, France has also been performing
fairly well with the bookies this year. Amir is an incredibly charming
performer and his song J’ai Cherche is ridiculously catchy. Of course,
he’s hampered by the fact that he’s a member of the Big 5, so only gets
one shot at performing his song for the voters at home, but you never
know what might happen at Eurovision. Also, I must confess that this is
my favourite song from this year – and the film clip is super cute.
Another dark horse has to be The Netherlands, who have returned to the
country music formula that worked so well for them in 2014 when they
finished second, seemingly out of nowhere. Douwe Bob is also very
charming, and his smooth country-tinged number stands out as being
something completely different from everything else in the competition. One
to watch.
Notable Absences
Back at the start of the year, a very early favourite with the bookies
was Poland. Why? Because people had heard one of the songs up for the
national selection final and decided it was so good it would take out
the entire contest. So why is Poland not still dominating the betting?
Well, because they completely Father-Tedded themselves and sent Michael Bolton-alike Michael instead of Rihanna-alike Margaret. Clearly the
Poland was spooked by the prospect of having to host the contest if they
won, and so chose their equivalent of My Lovely Horse instead. Oh Motherland, you have let me down once again! Anyway,
please enjoy Margaret’s Cool Me Down and think what might have been.
Also thinking about what might have been is Romania, who got the flick
from this year’s contest at the last minute due to unpaid debts to the
EBU. Ah, Romania…they’ve previously offered us onstage angle-grinders,
duelling pianos and a falsetto vampire and this year they were going to
give us a bloke who looked like one of the potato-men from Doctor Who
singing musical theatre. A sad loss.
Car Crashes
It wouldn’t be Eurovision without a couple of absolute car crashes.
Already out of the competition is San Marino’s Serhat, or as Sam Pang
dubbed him during Semi Final 1, the Singing Dentist. He jazzed up his
song for the performance in Stockholm, adding a disco beat, some 80s
inspired backing dancers and a creepy-uncle-at-a-wedding suit, but
please enjoy the original, slowed-down version, complete with monocle.
Much has also been said about Belarus’s naked dancing with wolves. Yes,
it’s just as bad/amazing as you feared - but also won't be joining us in the final.
The Big Show
I also have to mention what a fab job this year's hosts, the inestimable Petra Mede and last year's winner Måns Zelmerlow, are doing. Truly, Sweden are the ultimate Eurovision nation and that's why they're the absolute best at staging the event. Petra and Måns are funny and glam, and I wish they would host everything on TV. I mean, check out this incredible Broadway-style opener from Semi Final 2.
And they've got even more up their sleeves for tomorrow's Grand Final, including an interval act by Justin Timberlake (!) and more fun-poking at Eurovision stereotypes. I can't wait!
So that’s that. Don’t forget to get up super early on tomorrow morning
(5:00 am to be precise) so you can cast your vote. Fingers crossed for Dami!
Dami won Australia's underwhelming version of The X-Factor back in 2013, and has had some modest success since then. She has a fiercely loyal online following, including some really passionate Twitter fans, and has made a bit of a splash on the Asian music scene (China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Korea).
There's no doubting that she's got a good voice, and she has a cool K-Pop vibe. But is that good enough to win Eurovision?
Sadly, I don't think so.
The reason Guy Sebastian was so successful last year - much more than having a fun song and good stage show - was the sheer force of his star power and his name recognition in Europe. He'd also been honing his performance skills for years since winning Idol in 2003, and several of his fellow competitors in Vienna were in awe of his voice and stage presence.
Dami doesn't have the same level of fame as Guy, and also hasn't had the same amount of time to develop as a live performer. Plus, unlike Guy, she's got to impress at the Semi-Final in order to go through to the Grand Final, and that's a much tougher performance task.
For Dami to even get a taste of success in Stockholm, it's all going to come down to the song. We don't know what she's singing yet (that will be revealed next week), but whatever it is, it's going to have to be pretty impressive.
Initially last year Guy was planning to sing a ballad off his album, before he read my blog had a change of heart and wrote his own fun, up-tempo track just before the song deadline. It was absolutely the right decision. (*ahem* NO BALLADS DAMI) It doesn't seem like Dami's writing her own song (that's not unusual, most Eurovision performers sing other people's songs) - but that means she's really dependent on the songwriters nailing it. She's also got to have a really good stage show when she hits the Globen Arena. Particularly in the Semi-Finals, you've got to have memorable staging if you want to stick in voters' minds. We'll have to wait and see once the song is announced, and hope that Dami can pull off some diva-costumed, strikingly-choreographed, wind-machine-powered fabulousness.
* As a side note, can I just say how unimpressed I was with the Sydney Morning Herald's reporting of this story? Not only was it not enough that they spoiled SBS's announcement, they did so with an article that was so sneering and smug that they completely disrespected all Eurovision fans as well. Plus the article was shared all over social media and became the go-to source for fans from around the world. This kind of 'Eurovision is a joke' mocking attitude from the media is what has really damaged the contest in the UK, and it is a real shame that it is starting to come through here now too. Though most Australian media have had some fun and taken Eurovision in the spirit it's intended, the SMH have just been all-round bad sports. End of rant.
There's just over two months until Eurovision 2016 lights up Stockholm, but we're still to find out who'll be flying the flag for us on stage in the Globen Arena.
Presumably, an announcement from SBS and Blink TV is only days away - given that all entries must be announced by mid-March.
Well, we know that it's going to be an established artist, directly chosen by SBS and Blink TV. Given the success they had with Guy Sebastian last year, and theexisting relationship they have with his label Sony, it's probably not too much of a stretch to think they'll return to familiar stomping ground.
That's why I reckon we'll be sending Delta Goodrem to Sweden.
Despite the petitions for Shannon Noll to be given the nod, I just can't see the producers going past Delta - particularly since Jess Mauboy's already had her shot on the Eurovision stage with the interval show back in 2014.
Delta ticks a lot of boxes: she's already top of the betting to represent us, she's signed to Sony, she's got a new album in the works, she's no stranger to performing at big shows - plus she also has Eurovision connections, having penned Australia's inaugural Junior Eurovision entry last year (Bella Paige's My Girls, which finished a respectable 9th).
It makes sense that she'd also write her own entry for the senior contest, although a recent story in my local paper seems to suggest that producers have been scouting around songwriters trying to find a song, with one about maths in the running. (As an aside, that song sounds like absolute garbage - just the kind of thing that non-Eurovision fans think the contest is about, "tee hee, a silly song about maths!" - but we'd be laughed off the stage with such a novelty joke entry). However, as we know I'm not always on the money with my Eurovision predictions. We'll just have to wait and see who the producers choose - whoever it is, they'll have a lot more work to do this year, having to
compete in the Second Semi-Final on 12 May in order to secure a place in
the Grand Final.
Fingers crossed they won't be singing about maths.
