Hello Malmö!

I have a shameful confession to make: Eurovision fever has so far failed to ensnare me in its grip this year.

Perhaps it’s because of the overabundance of copycat solo female singers, or the lack of a song that’s really grabbed me, or the fact that my attentions are distracted elsewhere…hence why this blog is looking so neglected.

But I’ve decided to make a last minute effort to get involved. So, with no rhyme or reason, or drawn out countdowns, here are my thoughts about this year’s crop of contenders.

The Good

For the first time in a while, I won’t be miffed if the bookie’s favourite takes out the glitterball trophy. Denmark’s Emmelie de Forest has a catchy tune in Only Teardrops, and she puts me in mind of a Scandinavian Florence (of ‘and the Machine’ fame). There's also a haunting whistle interlude, a guaranteed Eurovision points magnet. Plus Copenhagen 2014 sounds pretty good to me – popping in for a cup of tea with Princess Mary and staking out the Parliament pretending to be an extra in Borgen.

I also am quite charmed by Malta’s Tomorrow, sung by newly-qualified doctor Gianluca Bezzina. This may be simply down to the fact I’ve got a soft spot for charming, musically talented medical types (due to having one of my very own), but his song is lovely and the retro filmclip is cool too.

I’m also quite partial to Iceland’s be-jumpered ballad as well, in spite of this video which is very much “Kurt Cobain Goes Fishing”.

The Bad

Checking out this year’s entries, it’s quite clear that everyone around Europe watched Loreen take it out for Sweden last year and thought solo female singers were the new key to victory. Hence about a million songs sung by a lovely young lass, ranging from techno to Disney ballad. For all the countries that pull it off with aplomb (Norway, Russia, Netherlands, Germany) there are just as many who fall flat (Ukraine, Estonia, Slovenia, Austria).

Another country to jump on the solo female bandwagon (albeit with a slightly older lovely lass) is the UK, who are sending 80s legend Bonnie Tyler.

Look, I’m not saying that Bonnie is past it and her song is a real snoozer (I am)…but let’s watch Total Eclipse of the Heart again instead. I think this is how we should remember her.

The Ugly

May I present Cezar from Romania:

Happy Eurovision everyone!

Eurovision 2012: An Explanation

Well. I was wrong.

Again.

To be fair, the bookies’ favourite hasn’t run away with the contest since Alexander Rybak’s massive victory for Norway in 2009.

While she wasn’t one of my top 5, I’m not too disappointed by Loreen’s win – and it does give me an excellent reason for a Swedish jaunt in May next year.

However, I am devastated that none of my favourites did well.

I wasn’t really expecting Iceland to finish on top, but it didn’t deserve the same score as Jedward, for God’s sake.

And it was heartbreaking to see Norway and the UK filing the final two slots on the leader board when horrible dreck like Albania and Azerbaijan got points from everywhere.

At least Italy and Germany managed to scrape into the top 10 on the night.

So how do we explain the top 5?

#1 SWEDEN

Crazy dance moves and awesome staging helped make this one memorable. Also, the song has a very contemporary sound, and you can imagine it doing well in the charts alongside the likes of Rhianna and David Guetta. When have we thought that about a Eurovision winner before? And Sweden will throw an excellent Eurovision party next year…I’m seriously thinking about saving up for a ticket.

#2 RUSSIA

I’m glad the novelty song didn’t win, and judging by the crosses to the green room it looked like the Babushkis also couldn’t care less about the result. That, or they just really needed a nap. For coming in second place, they’ve also earned the dubious honour of a visit from Vladimir Putin to their tiny village in the remote Udmurtia province. Although the old dears might enjoy the sight of the sprightly young President, especially if he’s topless on a horse, as is his wont.

#3 SERBIA

Željko is Eurovision royalty, and this Balkan power ballad had a great draw late in the night, plus lots of friendly neighbours sending it votes. No surprises here.

#4 AZERBAIJAN

Seriously? The song lived up to its title When The Music Dies, and it seemed to be crying out “we can’t possibly afford to host this again next year”. We can only assume that old/drunk people across Europe got confused when they heard the name of the host nation screamed out a million times “Welcome to Az-Er-Bay-Jarn!” and thought that must’ve been who they meant to vote for. One Azerbaijan moment I did particularly enjoy was the bitchslap Anke, the brilliant host from Dusseldorf last year, delivered over the country’s human rights record when she read out Germany’s votes: “It's good to be able to vote and good to have a choice. Good luck on your journey, Azerbaijan. Europe is watching you.”

#5 ALBANIA

This was dire. I have no idea how it managed to score so many votes across Europe. Horrible screechy song, freaky sci-fi vampire costume, early draw position. The only possible explanation is that people were scared she was going to steal their souls if they didn’t vote for her. Awful.

So what have we learned from Eurovision 2012?

• The joke’s not as funny the second time around (ahem, Jedward: down to 19th from 8th)
• A weird outfit works wonders (cf. Albania, Sweden)
• Selling 150 million records and being personal friends with Elvis means nothing on the Eurovision stage (poor, poor Hump - not least because of the following image:)

See you in Sweden for more Euro-shenanigans next year.

Who knows, maybe I’ll finally make good on my threat and bring you the snark direct from Stockholm!

The Final Countdown

It's almost time to enter my traditional Eurovision media blackout zone.

Yes, I'll be spending tomorrow avoiding all radio, TV, internet and social media so I'm not spoiled about the winner before the delayed SBS telecast.

Sad, but true.

But first, some final thoughts.

I'm quite scared that these ladies might actually win:

Don't get me wrong, I think the grannies are incredibly cute, even if they do remind me of my mad Ciocia and her 15 cats.

But it's such a terrible song, and I don't think Russia deserves to host another contest so soon given the way they treated Eurovision's gay fans last time.

I sadly don't think my beloved Icelanders will take home the title, but I've got everything crossed that Italy can do enough to get over the line.

Now with the final running order locked down, there are a couple of other countries to watch who could do really well from their spots late in the draw.

Firstly, Serbia with another big Balkan ballad like the one which won them the contest back in 2007.

Also watch out for the madness of Moldova and Ireland scoring highly simply because they're on late in the night when everyone will be drunk.

I don't think the bookies' favourite, Sweden, is going to set the scoreboard on fire, and unfortunately I think The Hump is on too early in the night to do anything for the UK's chances.

Now all we can do is wait...see you back here for celebrations/angry ranting after the final.

But Seriously

Sure, Eurovision may be all fun and frivolity, but I can’t let this year’s contest go by without turning serious for a second.

It’s time to mention the elephant in the room: the fact that Azerbaijan is pretty much your stereotypical oppressive dictatorship with a seriously shoddy human rights record.

While most bloggers have been distracted by the sequins, some journalists and commentators have been trying to draw attention to the fact that a dark shadow hangs over Eurovision this year.

Of course, most of them have been throwing stones at President Ilham Aliyev’s regime from the comfort of their cosy newsrooms in the West – journalists in Azerbaijan itself haven’t been about to get their own stories out there.

According to Human Rights Watch, there are five journalists, one blogger, two human rights advocates and at least 10 opposition protesters currently locked up for political reasons.

And just on Thursday this week, police broke up an opposition rally in Baku and detained dozens of activists protesting against the Government.

Azeri authorities are doing everything they can to use Eurovision as a positive PR campaign for the country.

They’ve built a contest venue – the Baku Crystal Hall – from scratch in under 12 months, although that allegedly involved evicting scores of people who lived in the area.

They’ve also commissioned a new fleet of specially-designed London cabs to ferry visitors around Baku, and they’ve spared no expense in tourism promos and gifts to guests.

And to be fair, reports from those in Baku for Eurovision suggest that ordinary Azeris are delighted to have the world’s biggest singing competition in their country, and they’re doing their utmost to make people feel welcome.

However, that probably can’t be said for Aliyev’s regime.

But aside from the domestic dramas, Azerbaijan also occupies an interesting place internationally.

As I mentioned when I was discussing Norway’s entry, there are simmering tensions between the country and Iran, as well as a long-standing dispute with another neighbour, Armenia.

Both nations are locked in a battle over the Nagorno-Karabakh region, and in 2009 it was alleged that Azeris who voted for Armenia’s Eurovision entry were questioned by secret police and accused of being unpatriotic.

Needless to say, Armenia has refused to participate in Baku this year, citing “security concerns”.

But a controversial host nation isn’t a new phenomenon at Eurovision.

As Europe has expanded and more ex-Soviet states have graced the Eurovision stage, the spotlight has turned on the winning countries.

When Russia held the contest in 2009, there was a brutal crackdown on a gay pride parade through the streets of Moscow.

Ironic, really, when the campest show in the world was happening in a stadium nearby.

And just after Ruslana stormed home to victory in 2004, Ukraine was enveloped in the Orange Revolution and almost couldn’t get its act together to host the event in 2005.

It will be interesting to see what happens if Belarus ever takes home the crown, given that it shares a similarly shady human rights record with Azerbaijan.

But given their recent form, it doesn’t look like we’ll be heading to Minsk any time soon.

So I guess all I’m saying is that, while Eurovision is supposed to bring Europe together through song, it also does a pretty good job of shining a spotlight on some of the continent's less than savoury elements.

I'll be enjoying the show tomorrow night, while also sparing a thought for the people of Azerbaijan who may be suffering behind those dazzling Eurovision smiles.

#1 ITALY Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out of Love)

This is Italy’s second year back in the competition after a long sulky break, and I reckon they’re going to go one better on their second place finish in 2011.

Last year their fairly ordinary jazz number set the scoreboard on fire, so that’s why I'm sure Nina Zilli’s even sassier L’amore è femmina can take home the trophy in Baku:

Nina’s often described as an Italian Amy Winehouse, but I think she’s more like Gwen Stefani covering Adele.

It’s fun, funky and a little bit different from everything else in the competition.

Rome 2013, anyone?

#2 NORWAY Tooji - Stay

I love how you can always rely on the Scandinavians to keep the essence of Eurovision alive.

And Stay is pure Eurovision: an upbeat pop song with cool dance moves and an ethnic flavour.

Sweden did incredibly well last year with pretty boy singing a high-energy dance number, and I reckon Norway could repeat the same success:

Tooji is Iranian-Norwegian, which accounts for the hint of the exotic in Stay, and he's planning on wearing a "Free Iran" wristband during the show.

Of course, host nation Azerbaijan borders Iran and there's more than a hint of tension between the two countries, so I'm sure that particular message will go down well.

In fact, this week Iran withdrew its ambassador to Azerbaijan because clerics were outraged the country would be "hosting a gay parade during Eurovision", and in response Azeris held an anti-Iran protest in the middle of Baku.

Who says there's no politics at Eurovision?

What I love about artists like Tooji appearing at Eurovision is that they reflect the true multicultural nature of Europe, bringing their own musical traditions to their new nations.

It's also a massive up yours to the hate-fuelled, violent bigots - who I don't need to mention here - who want to tear down the inclusive societies that have been built around Europe.

Bravo Norway.

#3 GERMANY Roman Lob - Standing Still

This is a real dark horse in this year's contest.

I admit I thought Lena's victory with Satellite in 2010 was a bit of a fluke - I would never have thought we could be heading to Germany twice in three years.

To illustrate my point, may I remind you of the standard of German entries in years gone by:

However I'd be willing to bet that if you heard Roman Lob's Standing Still on the radio, you'd never guess it was a Eurovision song.

The Germans are now clearly in it to win it:

It's simple and contemporary - and a refreshing change from some of the more frantic entries surrounding it in the running order.

Standing Still is written by Brit jazz muso Jamie Cullum, and you'd have to imagine the UK camp must be a bit pissed that didn't decide to write his own nation's entry - Engelbert notwithstanding of course.

And at least we know the Germans can afford to host the event next year if they win.