Eurovision 2011: An Explanation

Well.

So I was wrong. Although to be fair, as the inimitable Sir Terry Wogan once said, Eurovision voters are "as mad as a bucket of frogs".

None of the bookies favourites - nor my top five - set the scoreboard on fire.

Now that I've had a day to calm down, here's an attempt to try and understand what the hell happened.

#1 AZERBAIJAN

Like Russia before them, Azerbaijan have been absolutely desperate to win since they first entered, but I'm even more upset about this than I was about Dima Bilan's victory in 2008.

Admittedly, the song is an OK pop number and Azeri J.Lo's kicking goals for cougars in pursuit of her man-boy...but Baku 2012? Really?

There's a potential war with Armenia simmering away in the background, and in 2009 Azeris who voted for their neighbouring country's Eurovision effort were QUESTIONED BY SECRET POLICE for being 'unpatriotic'.

Need I say more.

#2 ITALY

Europeans love jazz. Even if it's awful.

#3 SWEDEN

Health alert! Bieber Fever is clearly more widespread than we first thought.

Yes, Eric is cute and yes, his song is catchy.

But why this up-tempo boybandy number in third place, and not sexy-in-a-rapey-way Russia, sexy-in-a-stupid-way Blue or not-at-all-sexy-but-endearingly-energetic Ireland?

Baffled.

#4 UKRAINE

This was not about the song (yes, yes, insert joke about Eurovision never being about the music here).

It was about the sand.

And those sand pictures WERE amazing. (Although they did look a bit like a dirty protest, as Charlie Brooker suggested on Twitter).

Drunks at parties clearly couldn't take their eyes off what was going on behind this bland ballad, and thought that was what they were supposed to be voting on.

Idiots.

#5 DENMARK

OK, I can sort of see what Europe was thinking here. Who doesn't love cute blond boys who look like they can play instruments?

They even managed to out-quiff Jedward, which takes some doing.

THINGS WE'VE LEARNED:

- Bookies have no idea (poor, poor France)

- Commercial success is no guarantee of Eurovision success (ahem, Blue)

- Azerbaijan exists...and we're heading there next year

#1 FRANCE Amaury Vassili - Sognu

OK, I admit it.

I have always had a soft spot for French Eurovision entries. They're always in my top five, and I praise them even if I know deep down they're crap.

But this year, I don't have to pretend.

2011 is France's year, thanks to Amaury Vassili's big, dramatic Corsican number "Sognu".

I agree predicting a popera winner is a big call, but the bookies are with me.

This stands out from all the other entries, and will appeal to the all-important three Gs: grannies (who love opera), girls and gays (who love Gallic hotties like Amaury):

See you in Paris for Eurovision 2012.

#2 UNITED KINGDOM Blue - I Can

Ah, Blue. Remember them? From the top of the charts? Back in 2001?

No?

Well, they were distinguished from the interchangeable boyband production line by the insanely stupid utterances of one Lee Ryan, a man with the voice of a cherub but the brain of a cabbage.

A notable gem:

"Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?"

                                                               - Lee Ryan, September 2001

After breaking up in 2005, they've reformed and are using Eurovision as their comeback.

And their catchy, anthemic song, "I Can", could very well see the UK take out the competition for the first time since 1997. 

However, can you tell where the band got the idea for their film clip?

This is from Charlie Brooker's hilarious boyband spoof on his show "How TV Ruined Your Life", from January this year:

This is Blue's video, which came out in March:

Coincidence? Blue taking the piss out of themselves? Or them thinking "That Brooker, he's on to something..."

I'll let you decide.

#3 BELARUS Anastasia Vinnikova - I Love Belarus

This is Anastasia's second stab at her song for Eurovision 2011.

Her original number, "Born in Byleorussia", was discounted because it was clearly blatant Soviet propaganda (plus it had been performed previously, breaking eligibility rules).

Judge for yourself, but I think the chants of USSR give it away:

So, she tweaked it and turned it into "I Love Belarus", which is only slightly less jingoistic:

The frightening thing is, you find yourself singing along before realising you're professing your adoration of a totalitarian dictatorship.

#4 ICELAND Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home

Iceland gets douze points for having the most heartwarming story of this year's contest.

When semi-finalist Sjonni Brink died of a stroke before Iceland's national final (he was only 36), his friends decided to sing his song for him - and won.

Now they're going to perform this (slightly cheesy) little number on stage in Dusseldorf.

So, in this spirit, a note to my loved ones: if I ever achieve my dream to perform at Eurovision but cark it before I get there, you have to be ready to take over.

No excuses.

#5 IRELAND Jedward - Lipstick

You may have heard of these Irish identical twin famewhores from the UK version of the X-Factor, whose celebrity seems to grow in inverse proportion to their singing ability.

If you haven't, imagine if the boy from Twilight was cloned, given an even stupider hairdo, dosed up with speed and then thrown onstage to warble out-of-tune to one of Rihanna's rejected B-sides while doing dance moves last seen on Aerobics Oz Style back in 1991.

Unfortunately it could do quite well. And. It. Won't. Get. Out. Of. My. Head.

Guten Abend Düsseldorf!

What's more exciting than Christmas, more glittery than Good Friday and a whole lot camper than ANZAC Day?

That's right, it's Eurovision Week!

To celebrate, from today til Friday I'm going to count down my five most notable songs from this year's Eurotrashy disaster, which is coming to you in 2011 from Dusseldorf, Germany.

They're not all necessarily my favourites, but they are all entertaining.

Stand by for some bad taste musical action.